2007 AUSTRALIAN CITIZENSHIP TEST

[Kim]

G'DAY cobber, had a gutful of the bunfight over the new citizenship test?
Here's a dinky-di quiz for all prospective Aussies. It's bloody tops.

2007 AUSTRALIAN CITIZENSHIP TEST

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term 'died in the arse'?

2. What is a "bloody little beauty"?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: 'In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.'

5. Macca, Chook and Johnno are driving to Margarets in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) 'If the van's rockin' don't bother .......?
b) You're going home in the back of a .....?
c) Fair crack of the ......?

7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard 'up on blocks'? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

15. When you go to a bring-your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter 'b' is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

18. Is it possible to 'prang a car' while doing 'circle work'?

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson, John 'True Blue' Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

22. What does "sinkin piss at a mate's joint" and "getten para" mean?

Right'o howd ya go?? If ya did'nt get at least a handfull right, bugger off ya flam'in drongo and learn the frigg'in lingo

Cheers

Kim

[Dennis Leahy]

I had to look up "schmick" from one of Bob's posts. I don't have a chance in hell of passing this test. Who knew I was such a fucking drongo?



Dennis

[BillyT]

I thought because I could throw a shrimp on the barbie and if I liked something I just said "no ice", I could pass for an Aussie...

I couldn't do it if I was wrapped in roo skin!


Now translate to English!

[Serge]

Ok Kimmy, i give up, how many African Mahogany B & S sets will it cost to pass that test?

[Ron Wisdom]

I have a didgeridoo and can recognize a wombat. I was hoping that was enough. I think I'm even afraid to visit Australia now.

Ron

[Lillian]

So much for becoming an expatriot.

[Craig]

That's too funny Kim ,,,,,, but very real !

To you Northerners , This is truthfully the Lingo used over here . Having come from New Zealand ,I was fortunatley on to most terms. In N.Z. ,it's not so much a 'Bruce " as it is "Trev."

[Bob Connor]

Speaking of Kev Bloody Wilson here's a vid of him on youtube for anyone who has never heard of him.

WARNING This contains absolutely foul language and some nudity so if
you think you may be offended please do not click on this link.

If you do want to watch it make sure you watch the lot.

He plays an interesting guitar.

And one last warning - I am not joking about the language.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwLh4nIGZJE

Bob

[Kim]

OK, so by now you Northernhemispherians should have begun to appreciate just how complex and advanced the Australian language realy is. As a form of vocal communication, quite frankly, the Southern tongue it is light years ahead. Think of it as a kind colourful yet descriptive form of lingual shorthand if you will.

Some Aussie historians who have undertaken ancient biblical research suggest that the Aussie language was indeed the original language of babel. The language we all spoke and understood across all the lands of the Israelites before a very cranky God cast the sinners into lingual confusion for their sins.

Still others indicate that this theory is nothing but bullshit. They argue that Australian is NOT the language of the past, but is in fact the language of the future, the future of our entire universe. They maintain that once understood, Australian is by far the most efficient form of vocal communications and a masterpiece in conservation.

Me, well I no nothing of this heady debate and I shall leave such fascinating exchange to those whom dwell more righteously in the realm of the greatest minds of our time. But i shall try to guide you my friends, nah, nah, inspire you my mates, to grasp just a very basic understanding of this thing of beauty, this thing we call lingo, this thing which you of the old tongue call language.

Read on and I shall seeking to explain to you some of the complexities, but only enough to begin your journey. In just these first few questions of the new citizenship test, I shall hold your hand for just the first steps.....the rest is up to you.

So here we go slackers a translation to the intro and questions one to four just for you.

G'DAY cobber, had a gutful of the bunfight over the new citizenship test?
Here's a dinky-di quiz for all prospective Aussies. It's bloody tops.
(Hello friend, had enough of the arguments and disagreements over the new citizenship test? Here is a real questionnaire for all prospective Australians. It really is very good.)

2007 AUSTRALIAN CITIZENSHIP TEST

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term 'died in the arse'? (The meaning: To lacked stamina and/or resolve, to give up. An idea or project which has been shelved due to lack of interest e.g. "My horse was leading the race all the way, but he died in the arse at the finish line" No one has ever been able to explain the origin of this term. Some academics argue that it is proof of the Babel theory and the other camp suggest that it was introduced to us by visiting aliens from a far of solar system)

2. What is a "bloody little beauty"?
(A "bloody little beauty" is a term used to describe a very agreeable item or event, .e.g. my car is a bloody little beauty! Or, I scored a really good set of Zirocote CHEAP, You "bloody little beauty!")

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

(No, these terms are not related in any way: A "Sickie" is a paid day of sick leave that one takes when one is not actually ill. E.g. "I took a sickie so I could go to the cricket" This is an Australian tradition and if your boss is any sort of a good sport, he will turn a blind eye when he sees your face in the crowd on the big screen whilst he is watching the match down the pub on the "long lunch" with his mates during working hours. However, good sport bosses are becoming vary scares now days, so, ever the master of improvisation, it has become common practice among the Australian work force when "chucking a sickie" in order to attend the cricket, to paint ones face in the patriotic hues of green and gold. This not only disguises ones identity, but also lends support to the mighty Australian cricket team.

A "spaz" is a momentary loss of sanity and display of poor self control or bad form. e.g. Hesh sold MY nut file to Tony Karol so I chucked a fucking spaz!)

To "chuck a U-ey" (pronounced "Cha- Ca-UooEE") is to make a "U" turn or reversal of direction, usually in ones automobile e.g. I was driving down the road heading to the cricket, when I remembered I had left my green and gold face paint at home. So, I "chucked a U-ey" to go get it.)

4. Explain the following passage: 'In the arvo ("Arvo": afternoon) last Chrissy ("Chrissy": Christmas), the relos ("Relos": Short for relatives. People with whom one allegedly, and quite often embarrassingly, shares a genetic or matrimonial link) rocked up
("Rocked up": Arrived unannounced) for a barbie, ("Barbie": Pronounced Baaar-Beee, short for BBQ. An event organised to induce an unquenchable thirst for alcohol, mainly very cold beer, into a group of people. This ritual requires one to consume meat , lots of meat, meat which has been heavily blacken and charred on it's exterior as a result of exposure to extreme radiation bought on by a short but spectacular pyrotechnical display) some bevvies ("Bevvies": Pronounced Bev-eeees, short for beverages and usually refers to, but not always, beer, very cold beer.) and a few snags. ("Snags": The term "snags" is plural and is short for sausages. In this country, sausages are a delicious and highly desirable smallgoods product essential to a successful "barbie". They consist of a length of intestine into which various less desirable parts of ground up slow moving, old, injured or genetically inferior members of the animal kingdom have been forced under pressure).After a bit of a Bex ("Bex": A common analgesic which comes in powder form and is known to cause sever scaring or sclerosis of the liver. This highly addictive, bitter powder, is delivered dry onto the tongue via a folded paper sleeve. The victim then washes away the taste and enhances the narcotic effect of "Bex" by consuming a very hot and strong cup of tea. The victim usually becomes drowsy and falls unconscious for a short while.) and a lie down ("Lie Down": See Bex) we opened the pressies, ("Pressies": Presents, Gifts. See "Bevvies") scoffed ("Scoffed": Eaten, devoured) all the chockies, ("Chockies": Chocolates) bickies ("Bickies": Biscuits) and lollies. ("Lollies": Sweets, Candy) Then we drained a few tinnies ("Tinnies": Pronounced Tin-Eeez. Similar to "Bevvies but is very specific to cans of beer or small aluminium boats, in which one consumes "tinnies") and Mum did her block ("Did her Block": Looses temper. To become angry and raise ones voice. Usually precedes "chucking a spaz" ) after Dad and Steve had a barney ("Barney": A loud argument between loved ones. Occurs quite often after waking from a "bex" at a "barbie" and usually involves a number of "relos" over a difference of opinion about the amount of radiation that the "snags" have been exposed to or whom has whose "tinnie") and a bit of biffo.'
("Biffo" : A sudden escalation of the "Barney" and an amusing form of entertainment for the "Relos" . "Biffo" can be identified by a rapid exchange of misplaced blows to the facial region between participant . If the "biffo" is to occur, it generally must take place prior to the participants "Scoffing" too many "tinnies" to remain vertical. The "biffo" is normally followed by "Bevvies" and apologies and then a short bout of unconsciousness before more "tinnies" are scoffed. )

I do hope that this little insight has sparked a small understanding for you and ignited a passion for you all to go on from here and learn to speak..well.. properly

Cheers

Kim

[Ron Wisdom]

That is toooooo funny, Kim!!!!




I think I may visit there someday, anyhow.

Ron

[Alain]

Kim that is brilliant! Thanks for taking the time to explain all that...

It's too bad I won't be able to explain here, but I'm sure Serge can relate that 'French Canadian' is also very colorful and you would need a very large dictionary to explain it all... A few choice pictures couldn't hurt either...

But I'd like to give it a try. So here:

'Laute soir, ch'té rencontré une Ginette... a l'avais la geule amanché comme un crapet-à-soleil, mais a t'avais une boite pour veiller tard! '

'The other night, I met a Ginette(french quebecker term for a typical bar floosie), she had a mouth on her like a kiver (Lepomis Gibbosus) but had a box that would make you want to stay up late'

or:

'Sibole, y'a l'aire d'un gars qui a passé la nuite couché déhors, habrillé avec ein échelle'.

'Damn, he looks like he spent the night sleeping outside, covered with nothing but a ladder'

Note: this is used to describe a mate who has had a particularly hard night of drinking with very little if no sleep at all. Unfortunately, this phrase has been used on my behalf on more occasions that I care to remember (or can, for that matter)...

or:

'Ben l'affaire est beuré d'marde!'

'This whole affair is covered in shit!'

or:

'Elle a le corp fait au couteau mais la face faite à hache'

'Her body was carved with a knife, but with a face that was hacked with an axe'

So there, a little french-canadian slang lesson... Ha!

Cheers!

[Serge]

That was good bro!

Or what about

Yé habillé comme la chienne à Jacques!
Translates : He's dressed like Jack's female dawg!

Meaning that this guy will end up without a Ginette to sleep with after bar hours!

J'ai assez faim que j'mangerais une volée!
Translates: I'm so hungry that i would eat a bunch of slaps in the face!

That means give me food now before i eat you!

Yé tellement ridé dans face qu'on pourrait y visser une tuque sa tête!
Translates: He's so wrinkled in the face that we could screw a tuque on his head!

That means that this guy is close to retirement or death!

Mélange toute ça pis j'me pète une vue d'horreur!
Translates: Combine all three and you got a good story for a horror movie!

[martinedwards]

I can only reply in my own venacular......

houl yer whicht or I'l slapye wi a gutty














or please be quiet or I shall strike you with a running shoe.......

[Serge]

WOW, I understood that even before translation!

[matthew]

Bon alors ...

"Aaaah mate, don't come on ME with your raw prawn!!"

Martin, ye'd know what a "burny bag" was I guess. Anyone else?

[Kim]

ONLY AUSSIES

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or A Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and...... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.


Geez I love AU

[Ron Wisdom]

Maybe I'll visit one day, but I don't think I'm tough enough to live down there.

Ron

[Serge]

I used to be an Aussie ya know!

[sebastiaan56]

Kim,

You've been watching!